I guarantee if I asked you to tell me how much money 2014’s Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day made, you would not be able to guess the number. Granted, that’s a very random question to be asking a person, particularly if we’re at a setting like a cocktail party or something of that sort. But even if you were aware of Disney’s live-action adaptation of the famous 1970’s children’s book by Judith Viorst, or have even seen the film like I have, you’d probably be shocked to read that the film grossed $100 million dollars at the global box office. That is not a movie with a large cultural footprint these days, but it had enough juice at the time to appeal to audiences looking for a pleasant-enough family comedy with big stars like Steve Carell and Jennifer Garner. 

Even though that movie is just over ten years old, it is a relic of a different era for Disney. Gone are the days of movies like The Mighty Ducks, Angels in the Outfield, Air Bud, Remember the Titans, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and numerous other live-action films that the studio used to pump into theaters to supplement their animated fare. These were modestly budgeted family films, often original stories that had a tendency to become big nostalgic focuses for the audiences who saw them at a young age. The studio’s theatrical live-action fare now mostly consists of remakes of their animated movies, Marvel movies or LucasFilm projects. The introduction of Disney+ has given them a place to store some of those other releases, even films that could have made a little bit of coin in theaters (Disenchanted, Hocus Pocus 2, etc.).

This is all a long-winded way to say that Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day would have been a Disney+ exclusive if it came out today, and its decade-later pseudo-sequel proves that point. The only thing that Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Road Trip really shares with its predecessor is its long-winded title (I needed a glass of water after typing both of them out in back-to-back sentences). This is a completely different cast, with Eva Longoria and a number of other recognizable Colombian and Mexican actors sliding into this story of a family whose drive to Mexico goes horribly wrong. The only reason this movie has its title is for the brand recognition, however slight it may be. In many, many ways, this is the same hijinks-filled road trip comedy you’ve seen dozens and dozens times before. 

If you’ve never read the book and are bad with context clues, you may not know that Alexander’s whole deal is that he was born extremely unlucky. His misfortunes often bleed over to his family, who have to suck it up and deal with the curse that this child has wrought upon them to get through the tribulations of day-to-day life. Very Bad Road Trip cuts Alexander (newcomer Thom Nemer) some slack and takes some of the onus off of him for his family’s bad beats. While packing for the trip in the attic, Alex finds an idol in the shape of a monkey. It turns out the Garcia family has been cursed by this idol for decades, as Alexander’s great grandfather bargained with a trio of witches and paid a heavy price. 

That grave revelation is brushed aside concerningly fast, as the family loads up their smart RV, equipped with Nintendo Switch and Spotify product placement, and hits the road. The problems with Alex’s family are apparent before they even pull out of their driveway. Dad (Jesse Garcia, star of Longoria’s Flamin’ Hot, another live-action film that didn’t make theaters) is having financial problems, and is lying about his failing restaurant. Mom (Longoria) just wants everyone to get along and reconnect with their heritage, but she constantly butting heads with the angsty teenage daughter Mia (Paulina Chávez), who wants to be home for “promposal” week. Then there’s the elders of the family, Grandpa Gil (Cheech Marin) and Grandma Lidia (Rose Portillo), who are constantly quarreling and can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. 

Given his bad luck streak, Alex is a naturally skittish kid, the type who avoids any risks and has facts about fatal railroad accidents ready at the hip. Risk confronts the Garcia family from the minute they hit the road. The Smart RV breaks down, the replacement van gets caught in a river, a skunk penetrates the interior, and so on and so forth. Despite the derailments, the kids want the trip to press forward so they can reach their ancestor’s homeland and destroy the idol once and for all. 

None of these chaotic moments are all that surprising or fun, as they’re all rifts on the same kind of road trip antics that you’ve seen in many other movies. You can go all the way back to National Lampoon’s Vacation if you want, or even just look through Disney’s own catalog to find better movies of this same genre. By the standards of what other cinematic families have had to endure over the years, Very Bad Road Trip is pretty tame. Director Marvin Lemus, co-creator of Netflix’s Latino comedy Gentefied, doesn’t have a lot of ideas of how to spice things up. Beyond an early flashback sequence that changes aspect ratio, this looks, sounds and feels like little more than streaming slop. 

The deficiencies of these road trip movies are often covered by the chemistry of the cast, but the family never really feels like a likable cohesive unit. By the time we get to the inevitable third act heartwarm, it is too late. I don’t want to pick on child actors, but a lot of my problems started with the performance of Nemer, who has one of those precocious kid voices that grates on you, particularly when he’s asked to narrate the film. I just didn’t feel like he was quite ready for prime-time, and that’s a major problem when the rest of the actors are given nothing to work with on the page. 

The cultural representation does give the movie a little more of interest than the absolute worst of the genre, and it’s admirable that pretty much all of the cast is Latino. There are also a few bit players that make an impression. Marin is not nearly in the movie enough, but he’s his usual delightful self. What We Do in the Shadows’s Harvey Guillen is also quite amusing in his brief role as a spiritual guru who helps the kids for a quick buck or two. But beyond that, Very Bad Road Trip’s greatest sin is that it is truly boring. I spent all that time advocating for theatrical live-action releases from Disney, and yet this movie made me look a little foolish, because this is right where it belongs. 

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Road Trip is now available to stream on Disney+.