“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created here on earth?”

Robert Rodriguez, Spy Kids (2001).

For better or for worse, the next live-action Disney remake is upon us. They’ve been hit or miss so far, but many are tired of Disney pumping out remake-after-remake. But will Pinocchio change their minds?

Based upon Disney’s 1940 animated film and Carlo Collodi’s The Adventures of Pinocchio, this new live-action remake reunites Robert Zemeckis and Tom Hanks for their fourth collaboration. Their previous movies, Forrest Gump and Cast Away were critical darlings, and The Polar Express, though not as well regarded, has grown into a well-loved holiday movie.

It’s unlikely that Pinocchio will be either a critical darling or a well-loved future classic.

The Main Players

The new Pinocchio will not help the backlash Disney has been facing regarding their remakes. Despite it having some originality sprinkled throughout, the film is essentially a scene-by-scene remake of the animated original.

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Benjamin Evan Ainsworth (“The Haunting of Bly Manor”) voices the little wooden puppet, and he’s really good at recreating an imitation of Dickie Jones’ original performance, but he isn’t given any room to make the role his own since it’s clear that Disney just wanted a soundalike.

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I have no complaints about his performance (dare I say I enjoyed his voice work more than Tom Hanks?), but the character is extremely irritating. If you hated Pinocchio before, then you will want to set your TV on fire with this new one. And that’s all without mentioning the character’s design – more on that in a bit.

The movie’s main selling point is Tom Hanks’ Geppetto, and he is… fine.

Early in the movie, Zemeckis has him bumble around like an old man in a pantomime, but as the film goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that he will be one of the few saving graces of the entire experience. Once the plot allows Geppetto to leave his workshop, Hanks is allowed to deliver a somewhat decent performance, but having to act alongside CGI characters is a waste of his talents.

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Cynthia Erivo is another star that Disney has bigged up, and yes, she is great and her performance of “When You Wish Upon a Star” is great, but her appearance is only fleeting.

Luke Evans also joins in on the fun as The Coachman, the owner and operator of Pleasure Island. If you loved Evans as Gaston in Beauty and the Beast (2017), you’ll love him in Pinocchio because he plays a very similar role.

Far Too Much CGI

When the first promotional clips of Pinocchio were released, many had no issue with him looking exactly the same as his 1940 original. It’s a safe choice that, unfortunately, falls flat. It would have been much safer (and better) if they had used a real actor in makeup because Pinocchio has a jarring appearance throughout the film.

He’s a CGI character with (what I think is) a 2D-animated face, a combination that does work well. It’s just a massive shame that a photorealistic animated puppet-child dancing around and spinning his head like Regan from The Exorcist is not as cutesy as Disney thought it would be. Sometimes, it’s pure nightmare fuel.

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He isn’t the only CGI character, of course. We have Jiminy Cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Honest John (Keegan-Michael Key), who both look pretty decent, even if Jiminy’s head looks too much like a Brussel sprout. There’s also the addition of Sofia the Seagull (Lorraine Bracco), whose appearance I have no issues with since she looks like an ordinary seagull – however, her inclusion in the movie is pointless.

Besides Pinocchio, the visual is not an issue with the characters but with the environments. The film has many tangible sets for the actors to play around in, but they are overshadowed by the overabundance of sets created via visual effects.

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It should be noted that many visual effects animators have spoken out against Disney for how stressful working on their movies can be – notably for Marvel Studios, so it cannot be ignored that these issues may be the result of an overworked environment.

TV Movie Quality

Streaming movies have come a long way, and many of them feel like movies that could be released in cinemas, but most Disney+ Originals have a TV Movie (or DCO) quality to them. Though not inherently bad, this quality makes me wonder whether Disney isn’t shelling enough money into their original movies.

Pinocchio is a well-intentioned and fun ride for kids, but it will leave a sour taste in the mouths of adults who are forced to endure this unnecessary, CGI-heavy, often cringe-worthy, ugly spectacle. Bring on Guillermo Del Toro’s rendition of the Italian classic!

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